pain is only relevant if it still hurts.

fffcuk:

where is my daugher kim kardashian

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pain is only relevant if it still hurts.: you know that mood where you just sit and stare at a wall blankly with...

ramennoodless:

olivependerghast:

you know that mood where you just sit and stare at a wall blankly with no expression and you feel lonely like you’re in a cubicle with nothing but white. and you think about why you’re so depressed and you think of your friends and how much you love them, but then you think of when you’re alone…

this is amazing

Thanks :)

i did it

you know that mood where you just sit and stare at a wall blankly with no expression and you feel lonely like you’re in a cubicle with nothing but white. and you think about why you’re so depressed and you think of your friends and how much you love them, but then you think of when you’re alone and how much you hate yourself. how you think you’re no good for anyone and you think everyone that is close to you doesn’t really like you. and you revisit that bathroom where you spent most of middle school watching blood ooze down your arm. and you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are very unhappy when you are alone. and you look at the details of your body and pick out every blemish that you wish never existed. you wish you never existed. you look down at your scars, tracing your fingertip over them and thinking of the exact night you did it and why you did. always the same reason: lonely, unhappy, and angry with the way you look. you’ve always tried making yourself different so you would accept the way you looked, but it never lasted long. you think about going over those scars, just so you can feel pain and see blood to know that you’re actually alive, which you are. but you don’t want to be. then you look at yourself again and think about your family. those people who care about you and want whats best for you. and you think about your friends. the close group of friends you never thought you’d be friends with, but you are. and you’re happy. when they’re around. and when they’re not, you repeat the steps of loneliness and want to be with them again. it doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. you want to be with them and just know that they care about you as much as you care about them. but it’s never like that. you always care way more than they do. and it always comes back to haunt you. and you pray that they stay your friends for along time, but like everything, it fades away. the memories, the laughs, the pictures. everything. but you look at the recent picture of you all and you hope and pray that they stay there because they are whats keeping you happy. and alive. and you want to tell them that, but there aren’t enough words to explain how you feel about them. and you’ve never laughed more than you do now. you never smiled as much either. you hate being without them, because you sit in the cubicle again and wait until they are back. back in the lexus driving to dinner, or getting ice cream, or your one friends house where you all went swimming, and had your first drinking experience. you constantly think of ways to show your appreciation, but you don’t want to seem obsessive. which you always do. there’s no avoiding it. you want them happy all the time, so you do whatever you can to do so. you love them more than they could imagine. and they don’t realize it. and then you leave the bathroom which is ridden with horrible memories and you sit on your computer, reading through tweets and vines. you are writing this post. but you won’t post it. you never do. and when you see them again, you’re happy for the time being. but when you get home and you’re alone, you visit that cubicle. but lately, you haven’t been there in a while. but sometimes you do. and sometimes when you do, you get too close to leaving this place, and you think about them. and how they would miss you. or you hoped they would. and then thinking of the next time you hang out, you smile at yourself. 

and in that moment; you’re happy. 

i just made a very heartfelt post and idk if i should post it bc its kind of long but i didnt redo anything. its just everything that came to my mind at the time